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"The personal statement is important as a way
of gauging motivation and enthusiasm". Head Of Admissions,
Hamid Jahankhani, University of East London.





Dentistry - Critique

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This essay contains excellent detail that illuminates your reasons for pursuing dentistry. By shadowing dentists and talking with undergraduate dental students, you have actively sought to ensure that this is the right career for you.

As an editor, I have highlighted this aspect of the essay, making sure that every detail you provide, whether it involves your volunteer experience or your hobbies, shows that you possess skills and traits that will aid you being a better dentist. I also fixed the essay's problems with awkward sentences, incorrect grammar, and vague language. To improve flow, I divided the long paragraphs into smaller, easily digestible parts.

Here is a paragraph-by-paragraph analysis of my editing:

Paragraph 1
You mention that orthodontic experiences and discussions with students sparked your interest in dentistry but you don't explain exactly how they did this. The paragraph also has a problem with vague language such as "insight to many branches of Dentistry" and "strong practical element." You should always strive to use the most specific language possible.

I focused on making this paragraph compelling; a vivid introduction is essential to catching the attention of the admissions official reading your essay. The original opening sentence was a bit too generic so I searched for information that would enliven your beginning. You say that you enjoy using your manual skills by working on computers; a comparison between computers and dentistry would provide a unique, interesting opening. It would also highlight your desire to work with people, which is a primary reason you are pursuing dentistry. The new opening statement will puzzle the reader and he will want to read further to find an answer. Beginning with a confusing statement is an excellent technique to engage the reader's curiosity.

Paragraph 2
This paragraph contains some solid information but suffers from wordiness and grammar errors. For example, sentence 3 is an incomplete sentence, lacking a verb. I corrected this error and constructed strong, concise sentences. I also added a topic sentence to improve the essay's transitions.

Paragraph 3
Your discussion of children and adult communication methods is a bit too obvious. I reworded the language to better show the complexity of the situation. I also replaced vague phrases, such as "more advanced level" and "more varied methods of communication," with more specific language.

Paragraph 4
The information in this paragraph lacked relevance to the theme of the essay. To correct this problem, I added an effective topic sentence and resituated the information to present skills needed in dentistry, namely your adaptability and academic ability.

Paragraph 5
"Despite this" is the wrong phrase here. This paragraph also contains many unsupported generalisations. I replaced these phrases with more specific, forceful sentences to provide a sense of closure.

If you have time to add any content, you could provide some detail about what you learned from the dental students. You could also add an example or a brief anecdote that relates a particularly memorable encounter you experienced while shadowing dentists or volunteering. Additional detail would further support your claim that you learned a great deal by participating in these experiences.

Overall, the revised personal statement is a vivid, concise and thorough account of your qualifications for, and interest in, dentistry. It contains an original and compelling introduction, varied and sophisticated sentence structures and effective transitions. The essay flows effortlessly and its readability and originality will certainly gain the appreciation of an admissions officer.