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"The personal statement is important as a way
of gauging motivation and enthusiasm". Head Of Admissions,
Hamid Jahankhani, University of East London.





Doctor - Critique

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Your essay does an excellent job of presenting you as a unique candidate who has experienced a lengthy and enriching personal growth process, drawing you to a career in medicine. You approach this essay with an honesty and sincere commitment that is sure to impress the admissions committee. By clearly presenting the reasons why you have decided to change careers, you have gone a long way in showing your maturity, thoughtfulness and readiness to handle the rigors of medical school

The essay did contain some significant weaknesses however. The essay's wordiness, repetition and lack of effective organisation hinders the essay's flow and decreases the potency of your central message - that you have decided to become a physician after a lengthy self-examination process. Your topic sentences often do not express the main idea of each paragraph and they lack effective transitional phrases. The essay also contains vague, clichéd wording.

In my editing, I focused on improving the essay's organisation by adding clear topic sentences, rearranging paragraphs for maximum readability, and improving the dynamism of your introduction. I also tightened your language by eliminating repetition and clichés and constructing clearer, more concise sentences. To improve clarity and flow, I divided the long paragraphs into easily digestible pieces.

Here is a paragraph-by-paragraph analysis of my editing:

Paragraph 1
Your introduction begins with a generalisation; it is generally better to begin with a compelling sentence that is specific to your own experience. I rearranged your information, substituting the story about the project as your opening. This way, you can engage the reader early on, while providing a perfect setup to explain your situation. Your original language, such as "several important elements of personal growth" is too vague to be effective as an expression of your central idea. The new introduction allows you to create suspense and build gradually towards the expression of your main point.

Paragraph 2
Watch out for vague language such as "learned a critical lesson about life" and "I need challenge and meaning." The wording is also confusing "it was at this time that I transitioned to being a student again." This sentence makes it unclear whether you have already become a student or are planning to become one.

The information in this paragraph can be spread out over the entire essay for greater effect. I focused on constructing small paragraphs, each expressing a clear, specific idea; therefore, I moved this information to various places throughout the essay.

Paragraph 3 and 4
I spiced up your topic sentence in paragraph 3; the original "a second realisation that I later unveiled is that" was wordy. I also replaced vague language such as "something was still missing". Paragraph 4 was disorganised: You express a variety of points here: that you desire to help others, that you need a change, that you have talked to doctors, that your current career is inadequate, etc. Because this paragraph contains an array of ideas lacking tight organisation, the paragraph becomes a hard-to-follow jumble of ideas. Some of the points here would make a good conclusion, so I rearranged accordingly.

Paragraphs 5 and 6
The first sentence of paragraph 5 is a cliché found in numerous medical school essays. You want to reword this idea in an original manner. I reworded many sentences in both paragraphs to improve readability, conciseness and eloquence. I reworded your conclusion so that your essay ends with concise, confident language.

If you have the time and desire to improve further, you could add a little detail about your volunteer experiences and academic interests. You mention that you have volunteered but you never provide any direct examples of these activities and their relevance to medical school. I have provided space for you to include this information. You could also elaborate on your specific academic interests: for example, what aspects of science do you like? Can you talk a bit more about your interest in public health? Finally, can you provide a little more detail about the project mentioned in the introduction? A simple descriptive phrase will suffice.

Overall, the revised essay is well organised with a dynamic introduction and strong topic sentences that provide a strong transition from one idea to the next. Some careful fine-tuning has made this essay into a clear, powerful expression of your ideas, goals, and values, and should make a wonderful impression on the application committee.