Engineer - Critique
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Your essay contains some solid information that can be used to construct an excellent personal statement. Your discussion of your electrical projects, including the telephone cord and the light systems, showed your keen interest and experience in this field.
To improve the essay, I focused on highlighting this experience. The original essay had a basic organisational structure, but it contained awkward sentence structures, vague wording, and a lack of a compelling introduction.
During my editing, I focused on improving flow by increasing the variety of sentence structures, rewording awkward phrases, and ensuring that your language exuded confidence and eloquence. I also reworded your introduction so that you immediately engage the reader's curiosity with direct, vivid language.
If you have the time and desire to improve further, you can provide more information about your academic background in the sciences.
The revised essay has a dynamic introduction, well-constructed paragraphs, strong transitional phrases, and well chosen wording. It is an eloquent, well-organised presentation of your goals and interests.
Here is a paragraph-by-paragraph analysis of my editing
Paragraph 1
Your first sentence is a bit flat and uninteresting: "I am especially interested in electrical engineering because I find being able to understand…" It is also wordy and awkwardly constructed. I focused on beginning your essay with active-voiced language that exudes excitement. The new introduction begins with a confidently articulated piece of information about your background: "For as long as I can remember, computers and other electrical devices have fascinated me. Whenever I encounter such an item, I seek to understand every aspect of its operation and immediately begin adapting it to my own specifications." Compare the original with the revised: do you see how the revised version is more precise and strongly worded?
Paragraph 2
Watch out for awkward sentence structures, such as "This is…" In general, it is better to use a specific noun after "this" to eliminate vagueness. Try also to avoid phrases such as "extremely enjoyable" if you don't explain exactly why these activities were enjoyable.
I reworded this paragraph to improve flow and specificity.
Paragraph 3
This paragraph needed more detail, so I added a topic sentence to provide it with structure and to provide a transition from the previous idea.
Paragraph 4
Again, watch out for vague phrases such as "To develop my interests in, and knowledge of engineering…" There are more original ways of expressing this idea, such as this phrase in the revised version: "To complement my studies and outside projects with intensive engineering experience…"
Paragraph 5
This paragraph contains some awkward wording such as "where you have to compose part of the piece yourself". Avoid the second person unless you are quoting someone who uses it. To improve flow, I often combined sentences to eliminate choppiness and to provide the paragraph with a more sophisticated tone.
Paragraph 6
I focused on increasing the specificity of your language and ending your essay with confident wording. Avoid phrases such as "I believe"; instead, state the idea with confidence.
